dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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