I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robitsâ€
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