made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
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