I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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