Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
