Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
