it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
