george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
There r osticjed everywhere
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Randomize
