to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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