I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
You're a waste of cheezeits
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
