I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
