By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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