I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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