I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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