There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
