tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
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