hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
