I accidentally had phone sex last night
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
