I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
If that was your dad, he is hot
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Randomize