I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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