go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
