Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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