I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
