Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Randomize