i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
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