Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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