Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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