I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Randomize
