david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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