Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Pants are for mortals
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Randomize
