i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
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