Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Randomize
