i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
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