Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
