Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
