i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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