"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
