drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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