What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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