one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
