I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
did i walk over a car last night?
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
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