I think I died a long time ago.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
