He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
