Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
