my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Randomize