If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I think I won the penis lottery.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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