God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
