I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Semen is not good for contacts.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
