It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
