Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
