I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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