Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
