There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
