what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
