i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
