you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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