Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Randomize
