The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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