the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
