Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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