That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
