So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
