I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
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