so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Randomize