if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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