Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
